Monday, May 8, 2017

May 8, 2017

There is nothing more intimidating than a black space for my thoughts. I love writing, but find myself never taking the time to sit down to do it. Partly because by the time I get off work I'm exhausted, but mostly because I never feel as though I can express my thoughts as succinctly and as meaningful on a blank document as I can in my head.

But I wanted to take the time to share my journey. Now I know that maybe no one will read this, but if one person does, I hope it means something. I hope it provides you with strength and hope and the drive to carry on. Always carry on.

It's May 8th and I'm wondering why this morning it was 35 degrees when I woke up and why I felt goose bumps, instead of sweat beads, on my skin every time I stepped outside. To many people, little details in the weather might not mean much, but to me it does. It means so much to me because I struggle with seasonal depression and when I feel the heat of the sun and the warmth of the air wrap me in a hug, it shines a light within me and offers me hope and strength. It reminds me that today is always a new day, that there will always be the sun and warmth to embrace me, even when I feel I do not deserve it. It doesn't reject me, but always welcomes me with new breath. It reminds me to inhale a little longer and to slow down and enjoy that exact moment.

There have been a lot of changes in my life in the past year. These changes could easily be grouped into three main categories: friends, family, and love. I have had friends move and I continue to have my closest friends move. This change makes me feel a lot of different ways. The first being that I feel like I am being left. I know this is not the truth, I am not being left... my friends are simply just moving to start their new journeys, just like I did. They're moving to places far away, places I can't easily drive to like I have been able to in the past. And the excitement of traveling to visit them overwhelms me with joy and stress. Please, friends, do not ever think I am not happy for you. I am your biggest supporter, I will always be the one to tell you to go out and explore because you can always come back home. But please know that I will miss you and, as silly as it may sound, I worry I will not be missed.

The second change in my life has been family. With recent events, such as my car accident and my dad having a heart attack, I have valued, even more so than before, the importance of my family. I have seen people who have lost a parent, or parents, or other family members and it breaks my heart. For those of you who know me, or who knew me, I think each one of you will be able to speak to my kind and caring heart. My heart is too big for my own good... sometimes so much that it gets me in trouble. But know this, when your heart breaks, so does mine. When I got into my car accident, I thought that was it. And many times I asked God why I survived when I knew there were so many people who had gotten into accidents that didn't. But I think God has a plan for me that is bigger than myself. When my dad had his heart attack, it took me a while to digest it. I didn't know what was happening. I didn't think it was fair that I got into a car accident and then a day later my dad had a heart attack. But what was more than fair, was that we both survived. To this day, we both are able to make changes in our life to ensure we are living each day healthy and graciously. Please understand that family and friends are not forever. Cherish each moment you have with them, and make time for them. Because tomorrow is a gift, just like each person in this world.

Finally, love has been the biggest change in my life. For those of you who know me, and I mean really know me, you probably know I struggle with this the most. I constantly push good love away and I ache for the best, something I don't think any of us could comprehend or know how to judge. I have loved and I have lost love. To this very day, I am still trying to understand how I can love and be loved same way in return. I told you that my heart, so big, gets me in trouble. Sometimes I cannot detach my heart from my head, and it results in what you are all too familiar with. To those I have loved, I have placed the love you have given me on a very high pedestal, that neither of us can reach anymore. You have and always will mean the world to me - any words and actions exchanged between us will never change that.  Please know, that if I have loved you, which is few, I have loved you with every cell in my being.

I hope this finds you all well. As I continue my journey of change, please follow along with me. We are all in this together and as one of my role models and favorite author says, "we all belong to each other". We are all family and we are all in this crazy journey called life together.

With all my love.