October 10, 2016

I have not blogged in over a year. I have realized that I usually only come back if I am sad or struggling through something. I think it is sad, most people usually only write when they are angry or sad. Or maybe it's just poetic. I think we want so badly to find someone who can relate to us, maybe someone to pity us, or maybe someone to love us. Whatever the reason, we're all in this together.

Before writing this, I read my last post from June 2015 and felt utterly disgusted with myself. But then I read part of my last paragraph, which read:

"To sum it up, hearts break but also mend, love finds everyone at different ages, love yourself the most, be all-consumingly selfish, spend money or don't spend money. Find what you love, no matter how long it takes, life isn't in a rush for anyone. Slow down and enjoy what you have when you have it. Stop spending so much time in your head, focus on the people and world around you, you'll find yourself richer in friendship and love."

I have realized that over the past six months, I have been spending an extreme amount of time in my head and have missed some really great memories because of it. I am an introvert by nature - if I could spend days on end without talking to people, I would be happy. Unfortunately, I cannot, and that's OK, because on the flip side, I know that isn't healthy for me. I need genuine human connection and attention, just like the next person. However, because of who I am, I tend to get lost in my thoughts and overanalyze situations that mean less than a fraction of what I think they mean. It's irritating and I beat myself up about it all the time.

I think most people are ill-intentioned. Which, I know, is terrible to think. Because most people are not. In fact, there are far more good people in this world than bad. I think people who love me are out to get me and it is a terrible feeling to constantly feel like that. I have been let down so many times, abandoned by people I have truly loved and I have never forgiven. Forgiveness doesn't happen overnight, I get that, but for me, with some relationships, it's taken years to move past the pain. It's a constant struggle between my own thoughts and the true intentions of people. It's a constant battle between my own thoughts on a daily basis.

I am not asking for pity, I just think, for anyone reading this who may actually care, this is a good thing to know about me. I do not love or care any less for you because of the things I may so or the way I may act. I allow my short-term feelings to consume me in a way that hurts me and the people I love. Patience is all I ask for. Being hard to love would be an understatement. I am a hassle to love. But please know that when I love, I love fully. With all that I have and then some. I care more about you than I do myself.

xx