Today was 85 degrees, so like all young women addicted to ensuring they look good for summer, I sat by the pool all day. Prior to the pool, I went to hot yoga and let go of the energy from the week and allowed new energy in. Throughout the day, I did two loads of laundry. Yes, two loads is an all day affair for me. Whatever. I returned a dress I didn't need and I turned away from buying two new pieces of clothing simply because the line was too long. I consider this a win for my will-power and my wallet. I made dinner and settled onto my wicker couch on my balcony to sit and write.
I want to take this time to talk about my biggest struggle - patience. I lack patience in all aspects of my life - with friends and family, with mastering yoga poses, with trying to learn everything there is to know in my new job. I am simply not good at it. I really noticed it about a week ago in my hot yoga class. For those of you who have done yoga, it can be really frustrating. To the point where you just want to stand up in the middle of class and leave. Forget the mat, because if you take it that means you'll probably come back. I have these moments all the time. Every week. Almost every class. My hips don't move the way I need them to to master poses I think I should be able to do by now. I am still a beginner, mind you. But there I sit, or rather crouched over in some uncomfortable pose trying not to fall flat on my face, trying to breathe in and out and to clear my mind. They really ask a lot of you in yoga. What we think is going to be some peaceful relaxation is completely not.
Yoga teaches me a lot, though. For example, when I left yoga last week upset with my body, I realized that patience is something I have lacked for a long time. On my drive home, which is very short, I thought about a hundred instances where my lack of patience has pushed me away from love and opportunities. I am sure anyone who is reading this and knows me has experienced my frustration with this. I show it in ways you may not notice. For instance, when friends don't take the opportunity to carve out time for me when I am home visiting, I grow impatient with your friendship. I often think, if I am not worthy of their time, then adios amigos - enjoy your routine. This is my biggest area that I know I can improve - patience with friendships.
I am also very impatient with love. It's either all there or it's not. How can someone not know the answers to if a life with someone is for you or not for you. Why is there ever an in between? Ugh! But just as much, I know I want to know someone wholly before taking a big leap of faith and fear. This cannot happen overnight, I am not that naive, I know.
Friendship and love is where I face my biggest challenges. But I am working on this. Through yoga. Learning patience with every pose, with every breath. I like to compare the three like this: When I am in a yoga pose, I have to remember to breathe. I have to remember that today I may not get it. Or tomorrow, or the day after that. But eventually I will. And while I am in that pose that has my legs shaking and my abs, butt, hips, or toes (yes toes!) stretching and hurting in a way I didn't know possible, I remember that I will come out of it. I will take child's pose or downward dog and allow myself, my body, my heart, my mind and soul to surrender. The patience is in the present. So, tonight, I look at the beauty around me and remind myself that just like yoga, the personal disappointment, frustration, and annoyance I have with friends/family and love will take time... but I will come out of it. I will remember to breathe, I will remember that today may not be what I was expecting from these people. But tomorrow, or next week, I will surrender and I will accept the patience and the truly beautiful people they are regardless.
Please know I am learning, I am growing, and every day my patience grows a tiny, tiny bit.
With all my love.